Sundae Bloody Sundae

I wrote this very short story about four years ago. It was inspired by my sister's insatiable appetite for McDonald's hot fudge sundaes. It was requested that I post it. Originally, it was posted on Livejournal. Remember Livejournal?

McDonalds brings unparalleled bliss to billions upon billions of satisfied customers. We’ve all read the signs that seem to verify these stats, Over 99 Billion Served. Never do we question this impossible claim. Sure, it most likely means that they count repeat customers, but what if that were not the case? There are fewer than seven billion humans on the planet, and many of those do not consume fast food of any kind. So who are these others? Where are these others? And most importantly, what do they really want?

On a warm Sunday afternoon Mary felt a strong urge to consume a hot fudge sundae from her favorite fast food joint, McDonalds. She grabbed her keys

, brushed her hair, and convinced her massively obese teenage brother to tag along. (It really didn’t take much convincing.) They hopped, well, she hopped, and he struggled into the minivan. Completely out of breath, Tim asked her the most important question of the day.

“Do you think…the…machine is…gonna work?”

“It damn well better be working, or there’s going to be a massacre.” She could not have known at this time that her statement would become prophetic.

They started on their journey with the best of intentions; simply two hungry, innocent siblings with a hankerin for some frosty deliciousness. Unbeknownst to them, and the rest of humanity, their craving would lead to a series of unprecedented events that would determine the fate of all peoples.

Mary pulled into the parking lot and asked her jovial brother if he wanted anything besides a sundae.

“Another sundae and a Big Mac stuffed with a fish sandwich.”

“A Big Mac stuffed with a fish sandwich. I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that and just get you one sundae.”

“Hello, welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try a value meal?” said the voice from the loudspeaker.

“No thank you. I’d like to have two hot fudge sundaes with nuts please.”

“Two nuts?”

“Yes please. And two sundaes.”

“Oh, I’m sorry our ice cream machine is broken.”

On a normal day this would have simply aggravated Mary, and she would have driven off without incident, but something was stirring inside of her that would not accept “no” for an answer.

“Can I ask why it is broken? It seems to break often,” she asked.

“I’m not at liberty to say. Would you like anything else?”

“No, but I do want to talk to your manager.”

“Oh boy, pull into the parking lot and come inside then.”

Mary parked the minivan and went inside with her brother close at hand. Nothing is more intimidating to a McDonald’s staff than an overweight teenager, and she planned to use him as leverage. The manager stood at the cash register completing an order for an elderly couple. They left him in a state of frustration after paying with nickels and dimes.

“Excuse me sir, are you the manager?” Mary asked.

“Yes I am Miss. Is there a problem?”

“I wanted to ask about the broken ice cream machine. Why is it so often broken?”
“I uhhhh, I don’t know why. It just breaks down from too much use once in a while,” he said nervously. Mary reached over the counter and grabbed his tie.

“I am so sick of this shit! Who are you? Who the hell are you? You’re no one!”

“Ma’am please.”

“Ma’am? What is this garbage?”

“Mary, settle down,” Tim pleaded.

“No, I will not settle down!” She pulled out a pistol and pushed it to the manager’s forehead.

“Oh my God she has a gun!” One of the pimpled face employees cried.

“Who wants to add Ed here to the menu? Who wants a side of Ed with a Big Mac stuffed with a fish sandwich? Now, let’s see just why this machine isn’t working.” Mary pushed Ed, the manager, toward the ice cream machine.

“I I I I I I ca ca ca ca can’t do this,” Ed said.

“What?!?” Mary shot Ed in the left knee. A female employee fainted. “Open it!”

Ed, writhing in agony, reluctantly inserted the key that would unlock the belly of the beast. As he slowly opened the door, Mary wiped the blood from her face. Then she beheld something terrible.

Inside the ice cream machine was a tiny goblin-like creature with yellow eyes. It screamed louder than a jumbo jet, and made a mad dash for Mary. Her reaction was to shoot, and shoot she did. The creature blew into a million pieces.

“No! You madwoman! Do you know what you’ve done?” Mary did not reply, for she was still working out the recent unexplainable events in her head.

“What was that thing?” Tim asked.

“That was a Barlmarg from the magic ice lands of Buttjig. His name was Crawkbar the Lenient,” Ed replied.

THE END?

The Sexual Purity of Luke Skywalker

Here is an angle of Star Wars that you have probably not encountered. Today, we will be looking at Luke Skywalker's sexual purity.

First, I should address the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Of course I am referring to Luke and Leia's brush with incest. By the end of Return of the Jedi we know that Luke and Leia are both children of Anakin Skywalker. This is all well and good, except Luke had the hots for her in the first two films. Chances are Leia also had a thing since she kissed him in every movie.
It's easy to blow this whole thing out of proportion. Let's calm ourselves and look at this situation as reasonable people.

At no time in the films does the level of attraction between Luke and Leia enter into the realm of the sexual. What do I mean? If you really look at how they interact, they much more closely resemble platonic friends than lovers. The only possible exception comes at the beginning of Empire Strikes Back when Leia kisses Luke on the recovery table to spite Han. That kiss looks sort of passionate. But remember, it's a response to her passion for Han (even if it's passionate anger). I can let it slide. Besides, neither of them knew they were related at that point. I think we can get past this whole thing. Please, try.

Perhaps some of the appeal Star Wars has for young boys is Luke's lack of a love interest. Girls aren't super appealing when you're 6. This makes Luke more relatable to the young audience. He isn't driven by love for a woman. He is driven by a hunger for purpose, adventure (at least initially. Before Yoda got to him), friendship, and destiny. Just think of all the movies where the protagonist is trying to get the girl. Often times, this is his major motivation. Luke is a man on a quest. His friends Leia, Han, C-3PO, R2-D2, and Chewbacca are his closest relations. It's simple. It's Star Wars.

Juxtapose Luke's purity with Anakin's uncontrollable desire for Padme. First of all, it's annoying. You could gag a maggot with those mushy scenes from Attack of the Clones. Anakin and Padme are that annoying couple that think they're the greatest couple in history. Second, this romance goes against the way of the Jedi. It is a conscious act of disobedience. Not only is it a symptom of Anakin's deep character flaws, but it is also a major step toward the Dark Side. It is ultimate attachment, and largely selfish. Anakin is merely fulfilling his desire. In the end, he chokes her. Then she dies in a really lame fashion. Her heart breaks. The only good thing to come out of it all are the children. And really, they are the result of nature more than the fruit of their love.

For me, it's refreshing to watch the original trilogy. It isn't complicated by romantic relationships, and it isn't defiled by adulterated passion. Luke is a little boy's hero.

Satan's Hands

I work at an R.V. dealership. The business is divided into two sections, the store and the shop. I work in the shop. This means I work with technicians. For all of you who know me, this must seem like an odd arrangement. I'm not a mechanical guy. It's an alien world to me. Nevertheless, I inhabit this realm. The realm of Satan's Hands.

I will call him Jack. His real name will remain a secret. Jack is my co-worker. Some of you know him as "the guy who may have killed people." Jack started about a year ago.

Jack has long brown hair. Actually, it's gray, but he dyes it brown. His hair reaches the middle of his back. He has many tattoos. They cover his arms and chest. He is in his late thirties with a 14yr old son, and a wife. He also has a mustache and short beard. Jack smokes often, and says if he goes too long without a cigarette he will hurt people. He is a social drinker, but not an alcoholic. He is about 5'10". Jack lifts weights, and is, from what I've seen, very strong. Also, he only ever wears steel toe boots.

Jack used to be in a biker gang called the Outlaws. When he started a family he wanted to get out, but the only way to do that without getting killed or severely beaten was to start his own gang (or club as he calls it). This is the origin of Satan's Hands. Satan's Hands is now composed of over 100 members (Jack claims over 200 but I think he exaggerates) . What does Satan's Hands do? Well, from what I've gathered they deal in vigilante justice. Jack shared with me a story about a guy who beat his girlfriend. Someone in the gang let them know and they tied him to a chair and beat him with hammers. Jack has told me on more than one occasion, "If you need someone taken care of, tell me." Don't worry, I don't subscribe to vigilante justice. Not now anyway. There are other stories, and more disturbing, but I'll spare you.

Jack has also done things on his own. He went to jail for shooting into a Home Depot. A woman was threatening his family somehow so he saw this as just retribution. He has ripped more than one person out of their car and beaten them. And he even tried to beat up his martial arts instructor. He says all he remembers of that is his teacher saying, "Say Goodnight". Oh, and he drove his car into his high school when the principle pissed him off. It should also be mentioned that Jack also won a million dollars in the lottery, but had to use most of that as bail money.

What is really surprising is that Jack talks with me about God and religion more than anyone at work. He's the only one. We have talked about Jesus and what the Bible says many times. Usually, Jack tells me that he's beyond forgiveness. He tells me that he needs to see a miracle before he can believe. Jack is the only person at work who wanted to read the magazine I edited, Logos. He read both issues and loved them. One time he gave me his friend's Jehovah's Witness version of the Bible and asked me to find where it's different. We talked about that for a while. Jack even shared a deeply personal story about a time in his life when he was homeless, and at the moment he was going to jump into traffic, an old friend saw him and took him in. After that, he got his life back together. I told him, "That's your miracle!" But he didn't see it that way.

Jack has a good personality. He is easy to talk to, and actually pretty bright. He always has my back at work, and more than anyone, tells me when he thinks I've done a good job. He asked me to join Satan's Hands a few weeks ago. I told him, no. The reasons should be obvious. But at least I can say that I was offered a position in a bad ass biker gang.

It's an unlikely relationship, but I get along with the leader of a bike gang called Satan's Hands. And honestly, it's kind of awesome.

Feline Ambivalence

I will now explain my position on cats; not the musical, but the animal.

First, it will help to know my history.
I grew up in the presence of a little orange cat named Pammy. She came from the mean streets of Northbridge, a tired wanderer searching for rest, and probably cat food. Finding our garage suitable, Pammy decided to set up shop and declare war on anything with four legs. She fought back encroaching rodents for over 14 years. Then, one night, I heard a group of cats fighting in the yard. The next day Pammy had cat scratches all over her face. It was the wild cats. They wanted her food, and perhaps her hunting grounds. Three days later, I found Pammy dead under a tree in the neighbor's yard.
In my late teens, another stray cat came to us. This one was black. I named it Richard before I found out she was a girl. I kept the name. Then a woman picked her up and claimed that Richard had bit her. She demanded a rabies test. Unfortunately, you have to kill the cat to perform the test. Richard didn't have rabies. But Richard was dead.

Now I'm going to throw some sentences at you!
Black cats are bad luck.
Cat tongues are like sandpaper.
When a cat rubs up against you it is marking you as territory.
A cat scratched me once.
This is Bob Barker reminding you to have your pets spayed and neutered.
There are crazy cat ladies but you've never heard of a crazy dog lady.



I have loved cats, but I mostly hate them.

Willy Wonka is a Fine Wine

How often have you re-watched a television show or movie that you loved as a child only to be awfully disappointed? I have experienced this tragedy countless times, and I'm sure you have as well. But once in a great while...from time to time... a childhood favorite becomes far more moving and meaningful after we've grown up.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is one of these movies.


Why I Used to Love It: Every kid loves candy. To watch a movie about a magical candy factory is quite a...treat. Sure, the scenes in which the naughty children are maimed and tortured were slightly disturbing, but they deserved it. And of course I loved the songs, "I've Got a Golden Ticket" and "Pure Imagination". Charlie is the good one, and he wins in the end. This is how it should be. I was well pleased. Except that "Cheer Up Charlie" scene sucked. I always fast forwarded through it.


Why I Love It Now: After watching the Tim Burton remake, I discovered a new reason to love the original; Willy Wonka is an adult. Johnny Depp portrayed Willy Wonka as an immature man with daddy issues. Gene Wilder portrayed him as a man who at first seems eccentric and perhaps untrustworthy, but in the end reveals that he was in control of himself and his factory. He is worthy of our respect and adoration. He is worthy of Charlie just as Charlie is worthy of him and his factory.
There are a number of moving scenes that I never appreciated as a child. When it is reported that the last golden ticket has been found, the Bucket family discusses Charlie's certain disappointment. Grandpa Joe tells them not to wake the boy so he can have one last dream. And Charlie is shown to be listening in his bed with tears in his eyes.
The "Cheer Up Charlie" scene means more to me as well. After Charlie expresses to his mother that he has no chance of winning the ticket ("You can count me out!") we see a mother's hope for her son.

Look up, Charlie
You'll see a star
Just follow it and keep your dreams in view
Pretty soon the sky is going to clear up
Charlie,
Cheer up Charlie,do
Cheer up Charlie

Just be glad you're you.

By far, the most powerful scene in the film comes at the end. Charlie and Grandpa Joe have reached the end of the tour and expect Wonka to give them the lifetime supply of chocolate. Unfortunately, Wonka informs them that they broke the rules.

Watch this clip from 6:20.

All hope seems lost. Grandpa Joe reacts as any adult would. He even calls Wonka an inhuman monster. "How could you build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces?"
And finally, he tells Charlie, "If Slugworth wants a gobstopper, he'll get one."
Charlie has nothing. His family needs the money that Slugworth promised. So, when he gives Wonka his Everlasting Gobstopper it is an entirely selfless act. He gives his wordly life to Wonka, and then Wonka gives him everything.
You have to see the theological implications here. Slugworth is the devil with his promise of worldly pleasures and comfort, but Wonka is concerned with the heart of the children (just as God is with His children). Charlie loses his life to gain the kingdom (Wonka's Factory). Wonka even calls Charlie, "My Boy". The relationship between father and son.

I am now able to appreciate this film on all of these levels. It is a true classic.

Short People Got No Reason To Live

Take it away Randy Newman




This song pissed some people off when it first came out. They didn't understand that Randy Newman was commenting on how ridiculous our prejudices are. It's not like short people are actually discriminated against. Right?

Here is a link to a study that finds that tall people not only earn more on average than short people, but it also claims that tall people are smarter. (Short End)
Apparently, for every inch gained in height a person earns an average of 2% more.

Here is a link to a study that claims that tall people are happier on average. (Why Tall People Are Happier Than Short People)

It seems even nature has it out for short people. This study finds that short people are at an increased risk for heart attacks. (Short People 50% higher risk of heart attacks)

And here is another one that once again says taller people earn more, and also get more respect. (Workplace Rewards Tall People)

I found another source that reported the #1 complaints of short men and women. For women, it was a lack of respect in the workplace. For men, it was difficulty finding a romantic partner.


So what am I getting at? I'm not the shortest person in the world, but I'm certainly not the tallest. On a good day I'm 5' 6" and most of these studies consider short to be 5' 3" or less. That being said, I still deal with being short, or at least shorter than the average 5'9" male. So here are some thoughts and observations I have regarding short people.


The first thing I'd like to address is the issue of the Napoleon Complex. This basically says that short men try to compensate for their inadequacy by being overly aggressive. Little Man's Disease applies to the same concept. So when a short guy gets all red in the face you can chalk it up as some deep seeded insecurity about his stature. Like the Native American belief that inside a corn kernel is a tiny man who gets super pissed when you heat him up until he eventually explodes (I heard this once a long time ago, so I can't verify that Indians actually believed this).
Anyway, what this implies is that if a short person (especially a man) were to express frustration at being short and discriminated against, he would not be taken seriously. Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm thinking, will people draw the conclusion from all this that I'm simply insecure about my height and therefore cannot be taken seriously? Hmm.

The truth is, I'm usually perfectly content with my stature. It's not something I think about often. But, when my shortness is called out by someone, or when I have to accept that I'm not tall enough to accomplish a task that a taller person could, I do have to deal with insecurities.

Another thing I've noticed is that some women seem especially insensitive to how a man views his own stature. For instance, when a woman comments on how she is attracted to a tall man (the classic tall dark and handsome type) it's the gender equivalent of a man telling a woman with small breasts that he prefers a woman with large breasts. In my own experience I've dealt with many unintentional slights.

With the findings from these studies and my own experience I want to give a voice to my vertically challenged brethren. Victims of discrimination on all fronts, yet afraid to speak out and be labeled a little Napoleon. Caught in a cultural Catch-22.

Height is relative. Tell that to the short, lonely, sad, poor man dying of a heart attack.

Making Sense of Smell

Before I dive into today's subject I want to point out a small milestone in the life of the blog. This will mark my 50th posting. Now, in the world of blogs 50 postings is far from noteworthy, but it shouldn't hurt to celebrate even the little accomplishments. My friend and fellow blogger, Katy Staley, author of the always entertaining, katydidwhat, recently celebrated her 100th posting. That seems like a much more impressive number, and I commend her for being so consistent. I've always admired sticktoitiveness.


It has taken me way too long to think of a good transition into the main subject matter so I'll get right to it. I have a terrible sense of smell. To be more specific, I have a poor sense of terrible smells. And to put it yet another way, I smell good things, but have trouble smelling bad things.

If you know me well, you already know this. Let's face it, if you know me well, you already know almost everything about me. I'm a fairly open person. Not many dark secrets.

I believe that this all originates from a dare. My sister once bet me a quarter that I wouldn't smell her awful smelling feet. Of course, I took the bet. Since then it just hasn't been the same. Every time someone comments on a skunk I smell nothing. I don't think I've ever smelled skunk. I don't know what skunk smells like! The same goes for gas, body odor, and even smoke.

The odd thing is that I can smell good things without much trouble. I can smell candy and flowers and perfume and cut grass and cookies and many others. This leads me to believe that maybe this goes beyond a physical abnormality. Maybe I have a type of selective smell. Maybe it's the next step in human evolution. Probably not. It doesn't make much sense for survival to have someone who can't smell gas, smoke, or any number of deadly warning smells.

But in a world ripe with bad odors, I like to think of my little abnormality as a gift. While others are devastated by foul aromas I will be able to keep a clear head. That is, until the deadly gas goes to work on my nervous system.

What Ke$ha is Truly Saying

I had much fun analyzing Lady Gaga's lyrics last week, so I figured I'd try it again with another favorite among young people, Kesha (also spelled Ke$ha). Is it possible that she too is artistically addressing humanity's deepest conflicts?!? Or, is she just a no talent floozy?

Watch the video. Note the 80's theme throughout with the clothing, hair, and large stereo. Also note that she begins and ends in a bathtub, and it is likely that neither are located in her own home.

Tik Tok
(This is the sound a clock makes. This song will deal with the passage of time. "Tik" is slang for Crystal Meth. When I looked for a meaning for Tok, I found Theory of Knowledge, which is basically the study of how we know things. I'm not going to give Ke$ha that much credit. Let's stick with the drugs. Meth makes you feel energetic and alert. It can also increase libido and induce euphoria, which is a sense of well-being. It's also extremely addictive, but I won't get into the evils of drugs right now. Crystal Meth seems like a good choice for someone like Ke$ha who lives and dies by the club scene. So I suppose the title is sort of clever. Sort of.)

Ke$ha
(Her full name is Kesha Rose Sebert and she is twenty-three. Now, the dollar sign. It could have to do with her name sounding like the word "cash". Actually, it probably has a lot to do with that. Beyond that, perhaps she is knowingly, or unknowingly, addressing the fact that she has become a hot commodity. She is a money making object.)

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?) Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city (Lets go) Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack 'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back

(She wakes up feeling like someone else. P Diddy is a popular artist, and someone she would have heard in the club the night before. I wouldn't be surprised if this is just an excuse to have P Diddy say a few lines at the beginning of the song. What the hell does P Diddy feel like? Is this common knowledge? Does P Diddy feel like a trashed woman waking up in a strange bath tub?
Anyway, I think it's odd that she says she's "out the door" and then two lines later says "before I leave". Maybe "out the door" is more about her intention to leave. Either way, it's confusing. Then she brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels, which means she takes a swig. She does this because she isn't coming back to the house she woke up in. This could either mean that she woke up in a strange house after sleeping with a strange man, or it could mean that she doesn't intend to return to her home. Whatever the case, she takes a drink to drown her negative feelings.)


I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes Trying on all our clothes, clothes Boys blowing up our phones, phones Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs Pulling up to the parties Trying to get a little bit tipsy

(This is all about appearances. She is trying to look good for the boys because it feels good for boys to want her. Drop topping is about blasting music in a convertible. She's all about herself and people paying attention to her. Then she says, "trying to get a little bit tipsy". Is this a buzz designed to loosen her up? Probably.)

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick tock, on the clock But the party don't stop, no

(The refrain is repeated. "Don't stop" refers to the partying. Since the music video has her waking up in a tub, preparing for the club, going to the club, and waking up in a tub all over again, we can assume that she is in a never ending cycle of partying. The party don't stop. Just as the hands of a clock go around and around and around, she keeps doing the same cycle. I'm not sure about her fighting until she sees the sunlight. What is she fighting? I think she just needed to rhyme a few words.)

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

(This part upsets me. She doesn't have any cares, but she has plenty of beer. I suppose she's contrasting quantities. No Cares/ Yes Beer. What's the connection? The next line is even worse. No money, but she's already here. Where is she? Is she in a state of intoxication already so she doesn't need to buy any more booze or drugs? Then we have the last line about dudes looking like Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger is an ugly dude. He's popular despite his appearance. His physical appearance is not an asset in his portfolio. Is Ke$ha showing us how messed up she is by making such a poor choice of judgment?)

I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

(Holy smokes! Lady Gaga is looking like Leonardo Da Vinci in comparison to this garbage. Everyone is getting drunk and guys are feeling her up. Don't worry though, cause she is going to smack them if they get out of hand. Nice. )

Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out Or the police shut us down, down Police shut us down, down Po-po shut us

(Fight the power! Not for any just cause, but for purely selfish and destructive reasons. )

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no

(Make it pop. Do I need to elaborate? And throw in a few more meaningless rhymes while you're at it.)

DJ, you build me up You break me down My heart, it pounds Yeah, you got me With my hands up You got me now You got that sound Yeah, you got me DJ, you build me up You break me down My heart, it pounds Yeah, you got me With my hands up Put your hands up Put your hands up

(Very good Ke$ha! You used that image of getting arrested with your hands up to show a different kind of surrender. A willing surrender to the power of the music. Did you do this all by yourself?)

Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in

(If a tree falls, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If a party starts, and Ke$ha isn't around to party, does it really start?)

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no

Ke$ha is a moron. This song has no benefit for our culture. Catchy beat though.

Dream: Street Fighter

Once in a while I have a vivid dream on an epic scale. I had one last night. Take a shot at interpreting it if you'd like.


Food Eaten Before Bed: 2 Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Sandwiches From Trader Joe's

Sleeping Conditions: Mattress on the floor of my old Amherst apartment with two small fans for white noise and air flow.

Last Item Viewed or Discussed: Watched 3 episodes of Arrested Development with Paul.


Dream Description: I am in what looks like a conference center with many rows of chairs. Surrounding me are characters from the original Street Fighter (1994) movie, most notably Jean Claude Van Damme as Guile. Then I notice that M. Bison is there. The odd thing is that he isn't the actor from the movie, Raul Julia, but instead, Samuel L. Jackson. He demonstrates to us that he is unbeatable with his strength and quick movements.
Then the dream shifts to me becoming aware of an inability to escape the conference center. Bison has poisoned us with something that makes us deathly ill once we leave the building. So, we are forced to return.
Then my father appears in the dream. To teach me a lesson, Bison has his goons drag my father to the front of the room with the intention of killing him. I become enraged and desperate. I start attacking everyone around me as I try to save my father. The dream ends with almost everyone dead, but my father and I survive.


What is going on?!? Can I blame it all on the Chipwich?

What Lady Gaga is Truly Saying

I'm going to analyze this to death. Everything between (parentheses) refers to the text directly above it.

Watch the video. Note how she covers her face with her hands.





Just Dance
(The title, like Lady Gaga and this song, is riddled with ambivalence. Just often precedes a command. "Just do it" for example. It is meant to strip away any inhibitions that might be preventing an action. Just is also an adjective meaning lawful, moral, and righteous. So you have at once a push to dance without thought of consequence and the inescapable presence of justice, or consequence for immoral action.)

Lady Gaga
(Lady is a term used to identify a woman who is refined and proper. Gaga is a sound babies make and often associated with the sexually charged response that a man has toward an attractive woman. He went "gaga" for her. So in the name you have Lady, which brings to mind class, order, propriety, and Gaga, which brings to mind the carnal, and improper.)

I’ve had a little bit too much
All of the people star to rush (start to rush by)
A dizzy twister dance
Can’t find my drink or man
Where are my keys?
I lost my phone

What’s goin’ on, on the floor?
I love this record baby but I can’t see straight anymore keep it cool
What’s the name of this club?
I can’t remember but it’s alright, a-alright

(The singer begins in a state of confusion. Where is my phone? Where is my drink? Where is the gentleman that I came in here with? She is experiencing the consequences of her revelry. Then she says, "It's alright". But of course it isn't alright. She went to great lengths to show us that nothing is alright. She is drunk, confused, and alone. She simply tells herself that it's alright in order to continue "the dance". Otherwise, she would be forced to accept the fact that she is lost and alone.)

Chorus:
JUST DANCE!
Gonna be ok
Da da doo doot-n
JUST DANCE!
Spin that record babe
Da da doo doot-n
JUST DANCE!
Gonna be ok
D-d-d dance, dance, dance, just
J-J-JUST DANCE!

(She repeats the command four times. JUST DANCE! And she reassures herself that it is going to be ok. Also, look at the "Da da doo doot" gibberish. Doesn't this look like more baby talk? Da da. Ga ga. That's because this is the fleshy, impulse driven, carnal side of her nature. It makes it easier to forget that things are not alright.)

Wish I could shut my playboy mouth
How’d I turn my shirt inside out (inside out right)
Control your poison babe
Roses have thorns they say
And we’re all gettin’ hosed tonight!

What’s goin’ on, on the floor?
I love this record baby but I can’t see straight anymore keep it cool
What’s the name of this club?
I can’t remember but it’s alright, a-alright

(Here we have more of the same. There is a strong sense that she is aware of her sad condition. She even wishes she could shut her playboy mouth and control her poison. She knows that her recklessness has consequences. Her words and actions are harming herself and others. Nevertheless, she tells herself that things are alright)

Chorus:
JUST DANCE!
Gonna be ok
Da da doo doot-n
JUST DANCE!
Spin that record babe
Da da doo doot-n
JUST DANCE!
Gonna be ok
D-d-d dance, dance, dance, just
J-J-JUST DANCE!

(More false affirmation)

When I come through on the dance floor checkin’ out that catalogue
Can’t believe my eyes so many women without a flaw
And I ain’t gonna give it up, steady trying to pick it up like a call
I’m a hit it up beat it up latch on to it until tomorrow yeah

(This is coming from a man. First, notice that he refers to the women as catalogues. They are attractive like models one would find in a catalogue, and since Lady Gaga included the word playboy earlier in the song it's not a far reach to make that connection. He continues to describe the women as flawless. Once again, like models. In the next two lines he reveals his tremendous lack of respect for their humanity. He threatens to "hit" "beat up" and "latch on" to one until tomorrow. He is a wolf and the confused lost woman is a sheep.)

Shorty I can see that you got so much energy\\
The way you twirlin’ up them hips round and round
And there is no reason at all why you can’t leave here with me
In the meantime stay let me watch you break it down and

( To him, she has so much energy, or life. But really, it is fake. She is not full of life. The attraction is superficial. And if you look at the third line he makes it clear that he will have his way. "There is no reason at all why you can't leave here with me." Of course, she can't reason anyway since she is so disoriented. There will be consequences for her actions.)

Chorus:
DANCE!
Gonna be ok
Dad a doo doot-n
JUST DANCE!
Spin that record babe
Dad a doo doot-n
JUST DANCE!
Gonna be ok
D-d-d dance, dance, dance, just
J-J-JUST DANCE!

Half psychotic sick hypnotic got my blueprint it’s symphonic
Half psychotic sick hypnotic got my blueprint electronic
Half psychotic sick hypnotic got my blueprint it’s symphonic
Half psychotic sick hypnotic got my blueprint electronic

(Notice how she covers her face throughout the song. Usually, she only covers about half of her face. That's because part of her realizes that she is sick and psychotic and the other half chooses to ignore it. The part that realizes her true state of being is ashamed and so covers it up. The electronic symphony coming from the music allows her to dance. The electronic symphony gives her a purpose and a structure. Like a blueprint for a building)


Go use your muscle car-ve it out work it, hustle! (I got it just stay close enough to go it on)
Don’t slow! Drive it, clean it Lysol, bleed it
Spend the last dough (I’ve got it) in your pocko (I’ve got it)

(I think this is about all of the things people do to get through life. They spend money on things. Then they tell themselves "I've got it", but that is as much a lie as "It's alright" within the song.)
Chorus:
JUST DANCE!
Gonna be ok
Da da doo doot-n
JUST DANCE!
Spin that record babe
Da da doo doot-n
JUST DANCE!
Gonna be ok
D-d-d dance, dance, dance, just
J-J-JUST DANCE!



(Just Dance is a song about the ways that people cover up the truth. The truth is that they are not alright. Lady Gaga is a genius.)

Failed Attempts at Writing Fiction

Over the years, I have written a number of short stories. For every one that is written to completion there are about five that don't make it past the first paragraph. Here are a few of my failed attempts.

October 2005

He had killed hundreds of thousands of men on the battlefield, but he could not control his bladder.

The three ghost ninjas appeared before him.

"Names we unleash upon your substance. I is Mekaky. This are Nojo, ain't Mitserugi."

"Greet you."

"Greet to you as well."

November 2006

The nameless man stood alone in a seemingly endless desert. A gray haze smothered the heavens, which made it impossible to separate the earth from sky in the distant horizon because everything came together. He circled around himself to find nothing. If he walked in any direction it would surely be the start of an eternal journey from nowhere to nowhere. So he sat down and thought to himself.

January 2007

In the midst of over twelve billion spirits he proclaimed his undying love to her. Of course this was preposterous since they would someday be sent to Earth as infants, and the odds of reaching maturity and joining as lovers was minuscule. Not only would they have to be sent around the same time period, but they would also have to find one another. It is like choosing one grain of salt, tossing it into the middle of the ocean, and then hoping to find it again. That is the reason why she told him to forget it.

April 2007

It really wasn’t even a question, he would pick non-existence over eternal life on this planet in a heartbeat.

January 2008

He turned the light off and closed his eyes in order to visualize a space beyond his normal perception. All he knew was limited vision, standard vision, and the time had come to see if his mind could really create anything new. Sure, it could recycle any experience in just about any way, but what about something truly original? His English professor had said, “We’re nothing more than filters of the world”, and since those words first entered his head, Tom felt unsettled.

In the beginning, there was nothing, a void. But, Tom thought, isn’t a void something? He wanted to leave thoughts of this nature behind, but they always stuck close. It only made sense to begin with nothing, or at least darkness without form.

February 2008

“I remember the moment I realized that I wasn’t the center of everything,” he said.

Cindy was desperate for a man, but this guy wasn’t on the same plane.

“I was riding in the back seat of my parent’s car. It was raining. I don’t remember where we were going, but I guess that’s not important.” Her eye began to twitch. The food had not come yet. “I looked out the window at all of these cars at a four-way intersection. All of those people in all of those cars, and I didn’t know any of them.” She faked an interest. It wouldn’t be the last time. “I suppose it was at that moment that it hit me hard. If there are all of these people in the world, and they are all heading in different directions for different reasons, than the world is more than myself. People exist without knowing who I am, and I exist without knowing them.”

Tom glanced at the couple sitting in the restaurant as he walked by himself. It must have been just warm enough for rain. His jacket seemed designed to absorb moisture. This suffering is temporary and necessary. They can’t all be sunny days. Tom reassured himself of this truth many times during his walk.

Two young boys sat on their windowsill in order to watch the poor people get wet. It was more of an unchecked curiosity than a twisted pleasure.

“You know when you go to bed and you get that falling feeling?”

“Yeah, I know the feeling. It’s crazy.”

“My brother says you die for a split second when that happens.”

“No way. I don’t believe you.”

“Fine, but it’s true.”

The boys saw an ambulance splash a man on the side of the road when it tore through a puddle.

“Save him,” the dieing woman begged.

“We’re going to save both of you,” the paramedic replied.

The bullet had missed the unborn child, but it had pierced her stomach. Acid had already begun to eat away at her insides.

“You have, you have to save him.” Her voice was weakening.

“You need to save your energy.”

The woman reached out with her right hand and caressed his cheek. The paramedic didn’t make any effort to stop her.

“He’s special. Save him.”

June 2009

A brilliant scientist discovered the secrets of time travel. Of course, the moment it happened, the entire universe ceased to exist: past, present, and future. The reason for this is that his discovery would inevitably lead to a time paradox, which shatters the perfect balance of existence. Fortunately for the scientist everything went back to normal after 500 trillion years of nothingness when the universe realized that if nothing ever existed then the scientist couldn't have caused a time paradox in the first place.

August 2009

His spirit looked out toward a strange world. Billions had already passed through the thin veil, but he didn't care much for the numbers. What mattered more than statistics was his own well-being. Once a spirit entered the living realm, all freedom would dissolve. He knew this. They all knew. The last great test awaited him. One lifetime to find himself, and her.

September 2009

The old nurse stood by herself in a sterile room watching the snow accumulate. She worried about her son. He commuted out of the city around this time. Not that he had a history of accidents. He was a responsible driver. But it didn't help that every reckless driver ended up in her hospital. Sometimes she had to remind herself that most of the world wasn't on the edge of death. At least not yet.

True Hollywood Story: RPS

Narrator: You've all seen it. The film that defined a generation and broke all box office records. Now, know the story behind the scenes. This is the True Hollywood Story of RPS:Rock, Paper, Scissors.

In the winter of 2006, four young men got together to make a film...a film about a game.

Dave: (Wearing a top hat and monocle) I wrote the script thinking it would be nothing more than an inside joke. Imagine that someone's life is destroyed based on the outcome of rock paper scissors. It's silly...or so I thought.

Narrator: When they decided to post their short film on Youtube, it only took a few days to receive a million views. It became an internet phenomenon. Soon, every news outlet in the world was broadcasting it. For the boys, it was a wild ride of interviews and offers.

John: (Smoking a cigarette and wearing an eye patch) We didn't know what to make of it. One day we're normal people, and the next we're worldwide celebrities. Every studio wanted a piece of us. But Dave didn't want any part of it.

Dave: I was afraid of what the fame and money would do to us. And I believed in the pure artistic vision of our 4 minute and 28 second short. But in the end, none of us could resist the pressure from all sides. We had to make our movie.

Narrator: Brendon Lange and Chris Cavalieri were more receptive.

Brendon: (Wearing a lab coat) I told the guys, "This is our opportunity!" We would be fools to pass it up... (Looks away from the camera) Fools.

Chris: (from a 2007 interview) It seemed completely out of our hands. Nevertheless, we were happy.

Narrator: The film was picked up by Twentieth Century Fox. It had a budget of 350 million. After a grueling casting process the studio decided to have Tom Cruise in place of Dave, Will Smith in place of Brendon, Keanu Reeves in place of John, and Steven Seagal in place of Chris. When it was released, it grossed 240 million in its first weekend. Over the next two months it would go on to gross 23 billion worldwide. In its wake, RPS crippled every other major studio, and changed the face of entertainment forever.











Dave: We weren't sure about the 380 minute run-time, but audiences didn't seem to mind. Some people, I'm told, purchased homes closer to the theater in order to be near the film.

Narrator: The awards seemed to rain down from heaven. RPS won 36 Oscars, and even led to the creation of more categories. But not everyone was ready to jump on this glory train. Some critics criticized the film for being four hours too long. Others accused the film of lacking in plot. But no criticism was more crushing than that of John Benton himself.

John: "What the hell was that?" I asked everyone after my first viewing. It was the worst film I had ever seen. I felt like a crazy person as the whole world seemed to be eager to jump off a cliff for this train wreck. I couldn't accept the money. That's why I decided to live in the ocean.

Narrator: Since there was no place on land to escape the frenzy, John purchased a house boat and set sail. Unfortunately, he was attacked by a school of stingrays.

John: They got my eye. It was a low point for me.

Narrator: As the money poured in, each man responded in his own way. Dave became a wealthy elite snob. Brendon became obsessed with time travel. He used his billions to construct a time machine. But no one could have foreseen the tragedy that awaited...

Brendon: I convinced him to do it. And not a day goes by that I don't regret it.

Narrator: Chris Cavalieri would be the first person to attempt to travel back in time. On July 6, 2009 the time machine blazed with blinding light. It shot Chris into the 1860's.

Dave: I remember the first time I heard his name after that. It was on a program about the death of Abraham Lincoln. "In Ford's Theater, Lincoln was shot in the back of the head by Christopher Cavalieri." It was hard to accept. And none of us could understand why he would have done it. It's hard to think that your movie led to all this. That silly short inside joke of a movie.

The Unabridged Golden Rule

You've heard it many times; do unto others as you would have them do to you. To put it a different way, treat people the way you want to be treated. This is commonly referred to as The Golden Rule. Did you know that this is only the second part of a two part command?

Here is the complete Golden Rule.
One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"
"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:28-31)




Love your neighbor (other people) as yourself. Immediately we have to ask, "What is love"? And not only what it is but also, "How can I love other people as I love myself"?
Certainly, everyone will have an answer in some form or another to both questions, and those answers will shape their understanding of love and their ability to express it. This is why I believe that the first part of the command is far more important than the second. The first part is the substance.



Jesus was saying that in order to truly love people, you have to love him (God) first. To the follower of Christ, what is love apart from God? What is the Golden Rule apart from God?


Who do you love?